Eunice meet Eunice!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6nf8y-XqNo

Alec Baldwin meet Eunice

Ya just gotta love whomever it was that released to the TMZ website that awful phone message Alec Baldwin sent to his daughter, Ireland. Kudos to you, where ever you are! I suspect we are soul mates! Finally, when you’ve absolutely positively had enough of your crazy relatives, modern technology steps in to dish out the ultimate humiliation that they so richly deserve.

Crazy relatives everywhere are now on notice – screw with us and you just might end up on youtube! Who needs useless restraining orders when you have the world wide web?

Such was the thinking when I started this blog. Nothing but nothing we tried was putting a stop to Eunice’s crazy any-hour phone calls, uninvited visits and all around general and UNENDING harassment. I mean, how many times can you file a police report before the authorities start thinking you’re the kooky one.

Appealing to her sense of propriety was deemed pointless years ago. Since there’s a three day waiting period to get a handgun in this state and really, we just wanted to be left alone, going that route wasn’t even worth the trouble. Besides, my aim’s no good anyway. And firmly of the belief that the pen is mightier than the sword and journaling can be very therapeutic, the idea of a marriage of the two was born. (And it certainly doesn’t hurt to have a record of the offenses for the authorities either) Enter the world wide web.

And who knew that not long after I started my humble “To Catch A Relative” expose` that the idea would catch on and someone else would bump it up a knotch; and a celebrity no less. Ah yes, those crazy phone messages. Oh yeah, we get ’em too! All hours of the day and night, one after the other, once, a total of 24 IN ONE DAY! A techie friend of mine suggested half-heartedly that I make a recording of them with a rap beat and release it as a single. In her inflected Hee Haw twang, “I want to talk to mama, I wan, I wan, I want to talk to mama, ma, ma, ma, ma mama!” It would have surely been a smash hit in the Weird Al genre. Hey, it worked for Eminem. I considered it, really I did. But the immediacy of the web won out and this blog was born. Every time she calls, I write. Every time she shows up unannounced, I write in ALL CAPS.

An unexpected dividend was earned as well. All along we thought we were at fault. Having heard back from others, heretofore unknown to us, who have also been on the receiving end of her tirades, we’ve learned that this is how she treats EVERYONE! And we thought we were her only victims. See, talking about it does help. Oh, the things we have since learned about our “special” little Eunice. Not unlike what the world has just learned about Alec Baldwin. Can’t wait to see how that all plays out this weekend on Saturday Night Live.

So, to all you crazies out there, with your pathetic lives, who insist on making life miserable for the rest of us; consider yourselves warned. We’ve had enough and we’re not gonna take it anymore! A new day had dawned! What our justice system either can’t or won’t combat, the web will. Technology and exposure are on our side. We are armed and ready. Ready…aim…point and CLICK!

Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword (a camera phone ain’t half bad either) and the world wide web is da BOMB! God bless TMZ, youtube and wordpress. See you there, Eunice. Hope you’re ready for your close-up.

Massacre at Virginia Tech

One unchecked person and his guns, in a remote town. A quaint, idyllic town where they never dreamed anything like this could happen. Aside from the anguish that is just beginning for those involved in this unbelievable tragedy, there are lessons to be learned here. When the heart is ready, the teacher will come. Class is in session!

This is what happens when a volatile, alienated soul goes unchecked. This is what happens when someone goes without the mental health counseling that they so desperately and clearly need.

In the days ahead, we will learn that there were, like all the times before, warning signs that went ignored. Until after the fact. When it was too late.

It is not too late to prevent the next “clock tower” episode. The warning signs are there and have been there for far too long. Profilers have drilled them into our heads: weapons possession, isolation, history of aggressiveness, risk taking behavior, recurring loss of temper, refusal to seek professional help, feelings of rejection, frequent run-ins with authority, failure to acknowledge feelings and rights of others, inability to deal with their rage.

V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A Tech. The irony is not lost on any of us.

Welcome To “The Dr. Prison Show”

Since Eunice refuses to get the professional help that she so desperate needs, perhaps she will, for the sake of her spawn, consider these pearls of wisdom. http://drprison.com/

 Think of it as Dr. Phil for the chain gang!

http://www.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?url=/video/us/2007/04/14/viles.ca.dr.prison.cnn

And The Band Played On

A very disappointing day at Chez Eunice’s when, earlier this afternoon, it was revealed through DNA test results that in fact, Larry Birkhead and not Eunice is the father of the million dollar maybe baby. Inside sources report that shortly after hearing the announcement, Eunice & her clan were seen scrambling around, desperate for a Plan B money grab to finance her life’s mission of clearing her “wronged” spawn.

So while one question is answered, another remains – what will be Eunice’s next move? What is certain is that there will be a next move and if Easter weekend is any indication, it is also certain to be a doozy! Or in other words, same song, second verse.

Saturday night, while Christians the world over laid out their fresh new Easter outfits and started preparations for their Sunday Easter dinners with family and friends, our Eunice was heard outside the grounds, shooting off her gun at imagined foes. Yes, my friends, He is Risen but she is sinking further and further into her pathological abyss.

I am reminded of the words of Paul Rosenberg, manager extraordinaire of that bundle of joy and member of the most dysfunctional family in modern times, Eminem, to whom he implored; “Leave your gun at home! You can’t take your bleeping gun outside of your home!” Mr. Mathers was smart enough to take Mr. Rosenberg’s advice to heart. One can only hope that Eunice will do the same or by the time July 4th rolls around the fireworks display will take on a whole new meaning. Or in other words, same song, third verse.

One can only wonder how different things might be going for her had she, on that Saturday night and all the other Saturday nights before them, spent it in quiet meditation in anticipation of the next day. Perhaps had she spent more time studying her Bible and her Sunday School lesson and less time loading her gun, her life might at least be in a more peaceful place. Instead Eunice finds herself in the midst of what can only be described as Armageddon on Prozac. All of her own doing, no less. And she wonders why. And she blames everyone else. Or in other words, same song, fourth verse.

We all hope that soon and very soon, by the grace of God, Eunice will hopefully find a new theme song because this one grew quite tiresome a VERY long time ago.

Her New Calling – This Week Anyway

Word has it that Eunice has vowed to work till her last breathe to overturn the egregious wrong done to her spawn and to seek vengeance against those who “done him wrong.”

I don’t think this is what they mean when they talk about how the Boomers are spending their retirement years.

Sad really. Perhaps had she spent this much time and attention on him during his formative years, he might not be in the position he currently finds himself.

Had she done her job properly the first time around, her spawn might be reaping the benefits of a half life lived as a productive member of society and looking forward to his “next thirty years.” And she might be finalizing her plans for retiring to the islands. Instead, he’s looking at 25 and she’s making out her shit list.

Never one to take responsibility, she thinks this is all everyone else’s fault. Gird your loins! she just might be coming after you!

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Pontificating how to precisely and concisely sum up in words, the depths to which Eunice & her spawn have gone, to once again, bring shame onto her family name; a name that, by all accounts, has heretofore always been held in high regards, I found myself, this time around, absolutely at a loss for words. Because this time around, she has unequivicably outdone herself, bar none.

After many days spent grappling for just the right verbiage to express the complete humiliation we now find ourselves burdened with after her latest escapade, I stumbled across this and then it hit me – who knew the day would come when Elvis, of all people, could say it better than any of us?

Perhaps, some day in the not so distant future, I will come across a foreign tongue that succinctly articulates the outrage we currently feel but for now, ladies & gentlemen, I offer up to you, this simple little ditty. And in our family’s defense, I leave you with this thought – the sum is greater than it’s parts.

A ditty for the bitty!

Open House – Today!

Eunice is pleased to announce that she will be holding an “Open House” today between the hours of 12noon and 4PM. Friends and family are invited to join her at her lovely estate for a time of fellowship & refreshments. Guests are encouraged to bring their bug spray and boots are optional!

While feasting on appetizers and fine regional wines (Little Debbies & Mogan David) guests will be given a tour of the grounds of the Helter Skelter Animal Shelter.

A lively presentation will be given by the Guest of Honor, Dr. Lou P. Inthehead, of the famed Sanitorium, Dewey Treatem & Howe. The topic of discussion will be the latest forms of non-invasive Bi-Polar Therapies for both master & beast, entitled, “The Fool & Her Feline.”

Rumored to also be making an appearance, is The Dog Whisperer, offering much needed advice and insight on the global conspiracy involved in the recent tainted dog & cat food recalls. Anyone with concerns regarding their pet foods surely won’t want to miss what promises to be a very timely and lively discussion. Those of you currently in possession of questionable dog & cat foods are welcomed to drop those foods at The Helter Skelter Animal Shelter.

Given Eunice’s pathological need to have her palms greased, this Palm Sunday event is surely one not to be missed! And don’t forget to pick up your parting gifts, designed by Eunice herself; melamine & wheat gluten based dog biscuits. See you there!