Eunice’s New Year’s Resolutions

1. Pay taxes – all of them, not just the ones that haven’t been published in the paper yet.

2. Convince all inquiring, that the spawn is really innocent.

3. Start spring cleaning REALLY early this year.

4. Get a makeover.

5. Get a personality makeover.

6. GET A JOB – a real one, not an imaginary one.

7. Get  professional counseling & get a grip.

8. Learn to discern fact from fiction; reality from delusion.

9. Accept, once and for all, that man has dominion over the beasts.

10. Realize that “life is what you make it” and take personal responsibility for what I, alone, and no one else, have made of my life.

Bidding Adieu to The Year of the Dog

These are bittersweet days for Eunice. What with the The Year of the Dog coming to an end. Yes, 2006 was, indeed, The Year of the Dog and Eunice will tell you so.

And what a very busy year it has been for her! Was there no one fortunate enough to escape her rabid reign this past year? Any lucky soul not on the receiving end of her biting tongue? Is it merely a coincidence that the area in which she lives continues to experience a negative population growth with no apparent reversal of fortune in sight? Eunice considers the year a success.

With The Year of the Dog not officially ending until February 17, 2007, Eunice still has some time left to get in one last blow at some poor innocent bystander. One wonders what her crowning achievement will be? We all anxiously await to see just what card she has left up her sleeve that she’s waiting until the very end to play. For we know she lets nothing go quietly. With Eunice it all has to end with a bang. A very loud bang. The likes with which no fireworks display could ever compare. What will she think up next?

Perhaps instead, her days are now filled with trepidations about the coming year. How can she possibly soar to even greater heights in ’07 when ’06 was such a high-flying year for her? Will she be able to pull it off or will ’07 pale by comparison?

Yes, she will be hard-pressed to outdo herself this coming year; but have no fear.  2007 is the Year of the Pig. Eunice will be in hog heaven!

“Down Eunice’s chimney it came with a bound!”

Yes, Eunice There is a Santa Claus

Dear Eunice:

Greetings to you & yours this blessed holiday season. So sorry to hear of the unfortunate circumstances in which your spawn currently find themselves. But look on the bright side; three hots and a cot, on a consistant basis, is really more than they’re used too. And now perhaps they can also have some peace and quiet…for ten to twenty years. See there? Every cloud does have a silver lining!

And speaking of clouds; as the self appointed executive director of the Helter Skelter Shelter, I’m sure you are aware that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph & I will be passing over your way very soon as we make our way to the nice boys’ and girls’ homes in your neck of the woods. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I won’t have time to stop in this year either. I’ve checked my list twice and it seems I’ve once again spread myself too thin, trying to get to all the kids who haven’t spent the entire past year pouting. I simply cannot visit the naughty ones too.

Now before you start shouting from the rooftops, understand that that it is just the sort of behaviour of which Santa does not approve. And I hope you will consider your position with the Helter Skelter Shelter before you think about harming my reindeer out of spite. We don’t need any repeats of your shenanigans from Christmas past like reporting me to the police for grand theft sley. The sley is mine, paid for by a generous donation from the elves and it is fully insured. And don’t go hitting up my elves for a donation to your Helter Skelter Shelter either. They have already overextended themselves with the sley, to say nothing of all those toys!

And don’t start calling Mrs. Claus again at all hours of the night, trying to frighten her with all your lawyer talk. We are the Clauses. We have excellent legal representation, if needed. You don’t freighten Mrs. Claus but you’re really working on my last nerve. If you actually have legal counsel, they know where to find me. I’m Santa Claus. Everyone knows where to find me. You don’t need to keep calling us telling us we’ll be hearing from your lawyer. Thanks for the heads up, but frankly, I’d really rather you just put up or shut up.

And while I appreciate your concern, my reputation as a responsible pet owner is impeccable. My reindeer are well provided for and are by no means neglected. So don’t even go there! I’m a very busy man & I don’t have time for any of your reindeer games!

I will be more than happy to revisit this issue again next year. But don’t try to pull a fast one. I know when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!

So until next year; to the crazy gal who put the “ho” back in Ho, Ho, Ho! I am…

Regretfully yours,

Santa Claus