Dear Mr. President:

It has come to my attention that you are presently working on your plan for the Middle East situation. I trust that you have consulted with Eunice throughout this process. Please be advised that any and all plans must first be approved by Eunice!

You see, Eunice is on her high horse again, read – “between meds” and is of the opinion that she must be consulted on things beforehand. Apparently, all things! That includes you, Mr. President. Why should we be the only ones on the receiving end of her crazy, endless phone calls. Come to think of it, have you, Mr. President, received any crazy phone calls lately? Calls that make no sense at all? That would be Eunice. She’s called every other agency known to man with her conspiracy theories, so I’m sure she plans to take it “straight to the top.”  

Now normally, when a person is ignored, they just go away. Not our Eunice! Like that crazy broad from “Fatal Attraction,” Eunice will not be ignored! She just gets louder. And I do mean loud – glass shattering loud! Swiss yodeling echo loud! It’s awful. So I beg you Mr. President; the glass in the windows of the White House is very old. For the sake of historical preservation, please don’t ignore her calls. Humor her, be agreeable. They say insecure people like to hear their name. So say her name over and over. Give her the ol’ “grateful nation” speech. Now, I know this nation would truly be grateful if Eunice and her bunch would just move to Australia but you can wing it. You’re good at that sorta thing. Hell, create a new Cabinet Post and name her head of it. Something like Federal Bureau of Delusionals. She would do quite nicely in that capacity. And it would keep her busy and off our phones. And yours, Mr. President. You have a lot on your plate right now. So do we. If we all come together I’m sure we can resolve this matter. As you know, it takes a village to handle a village idiot. Oops, sorry; that was the previous administration’s battle-cry. But you get the picture.

In closing, Mr. President, I cannot emphasize enough that whatever you do, keep her “in the loop.” Wanting to bring this whole Middle East mess to a peaceful resolution, (to say nothing of our own little South East mess) I am sure you can understand that it is imperative that you consult with Eunice first.

I’m begging you.

Signed,

Your devoted constituent

OK, maybe “devoted” is a bit strong but I did vote for you. Twice! And I know for a fact that Eunice didn’t. She has this “thing” against men from Texas. If they won’t marry her, she doesn’t like them. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t make much sense to me either.

O.J. …meet Eunice

Now that the O.J. – Regen Books – Fox TV deal has fallen apart, the publisher surely must be feeling the hit. All those dollars – read blood money – lost. But have no fear Regen Books! There is a way out of this! There’s still time to recoup those lost dollars.

If you think the O.J. story makes for fine reading amongst the bottom feeder set, then you gotta meet Eunice! She swears she’s innocent too! And like O.J. she loves to hear herself talk and she’ll say or do just about anything as long as there’s an easy buck in it. Luckily, her price is much lower than O.J.’s.

There’s certainly enough there to fill a book and then some. Her imagination is never lacking. Although, you might have a bit of a problem properly categorizing the book. Is it fiction, non-fiction, sci-fi, memoir, psychological thriller? It certainly would be humorous and yet sad at the same time. No problem, your people can certainly work all that out.

And as far as TV goes – she’d make great TV, as they say. Like those Jerry Springer train wreck free-for-alls, bottom feeders would eat this stuff up! The same people who think Kevin Federline is actually talented would fall hard for our little protagonist!

And it would certainly work well during the holiday scheduling. Who wouldn’t want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate to see Eunice running around trying to rescue the reindeer? I’m telling you, this is TV the way TV should be!

It’s the kind of story that reminds us once and far all that as bad as we might think we have it, we’ll never have it as bad as Eunice!

So come on Regen Books, have your people contact my people. Let’s talk turkey. Help me help you. And may God help Eunice!

Mr. Webster…meet Eunice

According to Webster’s Dictionary:

Psychopath –  a person who manifests amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience; characterized by irresponsibility, lack of remorse or shame, perverse or repulsive (often criminal) behavior and other serious personality defects.

And who is the poster child for all things psychopathic? Why Eunice, of course.

When one door opens…

Sometimes, when one door opens, another one closes. It could be argued that this is a good thing.

When the hounds are beating at your door, you hardly have the time to terrorize the others. For this, “the others” are truly grateful to the hounds!

For now, “the others” find themselves peacefully at play, behind a seemingly closed door. Only time will tell if this welcomed turn of events is a permanent state or simply the calm before yet another Hurricane Eunice.

Ding Dong, Karma Calling…

Eunice, get the door! It’s for you! 

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.” Proverbs 21:19