Be afraid; be very afraid!

 

This is Eunice.

 

This is Eunice unmedicated.

 

This is what it feels like to be in the presence of Eunice.

Any questions? 

If you see this woman, do not approach her. Run for your life! She is considered armed and (dangerous is an understatement!) 🙂

Paranoia will destroy ya!

While others (the normal ones) are out and about, enjoying life with longtime friends and loved ones, Eunice sits at home, alone, locked and loaded, peering out her window.

Sad really, given the preponderance of mental health professionals in her area.

And now… A Hallmark Moment

Conceding that warm and fuzzy are sooooo yesterday, Hallmark announced recently it’s new line of cards. Geared toward those less than perfect families out there, Hallmark held a huge gala to launch it’s new Eminem inspired line of greeting cards, just in time for Mother’s Day. 

Hoping to cash in on the dysfunctional family market, Hallmark corporate execs, expressed high hopes for the line. “This is not a niche market anymore. More and more we heard from our customer base that their’s was not that always tauted Brady Bunch childhood. These are the oft ignored clientele. Too many other companies wouldn’t touch this untapped market with a ten foot pole. We saw an opportunity and went for it! There are families out there right now who aren’t happy. Some of them are miserable; living horrible lives! We want to reach out to them too! This new line of greeting cards promises to do just that!”

Getting a spokeperson for this cutting edge campaign was another story. With millions of dollars invested in research and development, finding just the right spokesperson was absolutely essential and Hallmark knew from the start that Eminem was NOT available. “It was down to the wire and out of the blue we heard about Eunice! We couldn’t believe she was available! To have her name and brand associated with our product, we couldn’t be happier! It’s absolute serendipity!”

Insiders in the advertising world are praising the pairing as well, describing it as “sheer genius!” Said one ad exec who spoke on the condition of anonimity, “This line truly speaks to the hearts of those who grew up with, well, less than Carol Brady for a mom. Landing Eunice as the spokes-person, I mean, she’s the poster-child for dysfunction!  It’s quite a coupe!”

The big moment of the star studded event came with the unveiling of the first card in the series: Featuring a photo of spokesmodel Eunice on the cover, the inside of the card borrows from an Eminem song and reads: 

 

“What hurts me the most is you won’t admit you was wrong, 

do your song, keep tellin’ yourself that you was a mom!

I could have done ten but you got me twenty-five

By the time I get out, you won’t even be alive!”

Now can’t you just feel the love?

I’d rather be pecked to death by ducks….

 …than deal with Eunice!

Eunice’s work is never done

Eunice works tirelessly combatting animal neglect. Some of her fine work with The Helter Skelter Animal Shelter is chronicled here, from verbaljazz.com

The Plush Animal Rescue Fund Needs Your Help

Warning: the following images may be disturbing as they contain graphic scenes of plush animal abuse.There are atrocities being committed all over America, but not the kind that you hear about every day. Every forty-seven seconds, another plush animal is subject to abuse. From pranksters playing jokes to children unleashing their aggression, somewhere there is a plush animal that needs your help. Just take a look at the following examples:

This plush animal was left for dead after a hit-and-run. The police have not actively pursued an investigation.

This lamb was unceremoniously covered with stamps and dropped into a mailbox. It could not be “Returned to Sender” since there was no return address.

This donkey can’t lift its neck, and it also bears the sign of an earmark. It is believed to be the work of a hole puncher.

The shape of this dog’s body makes it prone to abuse, as abusers violently expand and compress its body to produce high pitch flatulence. Also note the stamps.

This plush lobster was artificially colored in order to give it the appearance of a lobster that has been cooked.

“Gerry” the giraffe recovers from neck injuries.

This elephant is forced to be a symbol for the Republican party.

These dogs were all crammed into the same dog carrier and left there for days.

If you were a bear, would you want to be pink and have a heart design on your chest?

These bears, including a very rare polar bear, attempt to escape after being slated to be the special ingredients in a daring new recipe.

This animal has its eyes permanently sewn shut in order to mimic sleeping.

An example of anthropomorphized cuteness: this dinosaur has a blanket and teddy bear sewn to its front claws, making it unable to hunt and provide its own sustenance.

This bear is male.

This Little Brown Bear was hung and fed to the dog.

Little Brown Bear’s friends hold a candlelight vigil in honor of their fallen hero.

…but vigils are not enough, we need to combat the rampant abuse of plush animals. That’s why I am asking you to donate to the Plush Animal Rescue Fund (PARF). Every day, PARF shelters take in thousands of abused and homeless plush animals. Your contribution will not only go to plush animal care, but will fund education initiatives across the country, such Plush Animal Care assemblies at our nations schools, and the Adopt an Abused Plush Animal Project (AAPAP).

Do what you can, contribute to PARF today! If you don’t, who will?

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posted by Chris Vallancourt at 12:33 PM